Okay, so.... anyone who knows me online knows I'm gay. I'm gay and I'm proud of it. I've been out to my mom for 10 years this month. But there's something about the real world I had a problem understanding regarding my truth and the real world. There's a perfect opportunity to say that I'm going to a gay pride event to gay friendly people who work with other openly gay people, and I somehow find myself backing down or hesitating. And honestly, I just don't get it. I love who I am. I love that I love men. The days of self-hatred and denial are so far past me. If that's all well and good, then why do I do this? Why am I put into a situation where I can tell someone, someone who's friendly, and I back out or I don't do it right away? Why do I do that? There's a huge part of me that's really fucking over being in the closet in any possible way, but there are some times where I get the opportunity to come out. Just by casual mention when the conversation calls for it. And I weaken and I say nothing, or in this case, I don't say enough.
In the cases I'm able to actually do it, it actually works out well. In the last month I've been able to tell three co-workers. The conversation allowed it naturally every time. Casual conversation about what me and a manager are doing on our vacation weeks: "I'm going to Pride on the 15th." "Are you gay?" "Yeah." Birthday thing of a co-worker's: "Do you have a girlfriend?" "No," I reply, "I'm gay." They took it fine. The third person actually brought up one earlier pride event so I mentioned I'm going to the big one here in Atlanta in October. So, even better, right? One of them was genuinely surprised. Part of me thinks it's actually ironically funny that people think I'm straight. Maybe it's because growing up, my voice was always higher, my interests different from most of what a young straight boy would be into. The other kids knew I was gay before even I did; and, God, did they let me fucking know about it. But as the real world changes... it's different. Back then I was afraid of embracing myself and afraid of accepting the truth about me. It's not like that anymore. But if that's true, then why do I back down? I'm telling people and it's not a big deal. So why do I let myself continue to become intimidated?
I thought about it, and for a while I had no idea why I get so hesitant. I mean, I love who I am. I'm not ashamed of being gay at all. I'm even in an environment where there are other gay people or it's generally accepting period, but something happens inside of me and I still feel like I need to back down and I get skittish.
But I think I've figured out why. It's because for the longest time, in real life, my percieved gayness wasn't recieved well. I'm not getting as much shit as I got for it when I was a kid, nowhere nearly as much. There hasn't been a single blatant incident at work where someone insults me or openly judges me because of what they think. But still, I can sense the unspoken uncomfortableness that some people have in other places just by being in their mere presence and it's hard for me to shake off that stigma in a mostly straight people environment. If I'm on social media or at an event like Pride, I don't have to worry about it. Pride is all about where it's all about being free to be LGBT and homophobic bigots who like to show their asses during the first 5 or 10 minutes of the parade are vastly outnumbered. On twitter or Facebook I can control who sees my posts and I have a plethora of LGBT and accepting folks surrounding me. But elsewhere, I have to find a way to shake this off. I'm tired of feeling like I have to protect who I am by keeping it hidden or laying low. I thought if I just do it, then it won't be an issue anymore, but obviously it's easier said than done.
I just have to figure out how to handle it all.
*dusts off cobwebs* Hello there! I thought I'd start using this journal more again.
To start off, I felt like making an entry regarding a few of the shows I've most recently gotten into or plan on sampling in the last several months. I'm watching more shows than this, but I'll make other posts soon regarding those shows. My big problem is that I fall in love with a lot of shows and want to watch them all, but don't always have the time to do that. Eh. I was never into the binge watching thing at first, but it's something I'm finding myself doing practically every weekend now. Also hiatuses/rerun breaks like right now are a good time to squeeze in another show.( Read more...Collapse )
As told here
Really excited about this. It'll be so nice to see classic episodes in good quality! It's been really hard seeing older eras of these shows. Lord knows SOAPnet has shown little interest in airing vintage years of anything in the past several years. They don't even show Ryan's Hope anymore; that was dropped and the schedule changed with "classic" All My Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital from 2006 or so. AOL was doing good with the P&G classics page they had with the Search for Tomorrow, Edge of Night, and Another World episodes that were being posted, but it didn't last. Basically at this point, if it wasn't for YouTube, we wouldn't have much of anything if we had a vintage soap fix to fulfill.
Some really good and memorable episodes are a part of this. Steve and Betsy's wedding (oh hai there, Meg Ryan)! Bob & Kim's wedding! Luke coming out to Holden and Lily! For the longest time I've been wishing I kept the recording of that one. Also, I'm guessing the "The Explosive Truth" listing is the date when Barbara had an unfortunate run in with fire.
I never thought this day was going to come. Even if it's post-cancellation, I'm glad that Procter & Gamble/Telenext finally starts to see some value with what they possess. Because it's not going to benefit anyone if all this classic material is just locked away in a vault. Hopefully this set does well, and we'll see more of this show, and the other shows they own.
For me, this has easily turned into the most anticipated TV on DVD of the year.